Autotuned to Buggery: Chart Rundown 24/03/2009

10) Kings of Leon- Use Somebody
I've got nothing to say about Kings of Leon that hasn't been said already, i'm sure. Four sweaty boys with guitars say nothing about my life, and that ain't ever been truer than now. And i'm sure that this song means something to a lot of people but it's nothing, not to me, maybe because it tries so hard to mean something, knowing that when this generation sobers up and gets married, this'll get played at the reception and maybe your parents bought the album and maybe we'll all have a jolly good time remembering 2008, but fuck it, it's 2009 already and we deserve better and Jesus Christ those backing vocals really are perilously close to Scouting For Girls territory aren't they? I can't help but get the feeling that the narrative's a less wordy version of Teenage Dirtbag, which may well be the biggest problem here.

9) Beyonce- Halo
This, on the other hand, just about works. It's all Beyonce, there's no other singer on earth who could pull this off like she does. Leona would (inevitably) end up investing too much in it without really understanding or meaning any of it, but your girl B, she just knocks it out of the park. The 'halo-oooh' in the first verse, the entire chorus which stops just short of being screechy but never quite manages to be technically brilliant, the way she sings 'addicted' so it sounds like 'a dip dip'...bloody hell. Given her previous two singles, it's a shame vocals like that are on a song like this, really.

8) Akon- Beautiful
This was number one on the 4Music chart today. I don't know about you, but I didn't expect that American r'n'b in 2009 would be taking notes from late 90's UK dance compliations. Akon's here and he's going to charm you like you're Cathy Beale and he's James Wilmott Brown. I've had enough of songwriters who think that repeating the title of the song ad infinitum equates to an amazing second chorus. And if you got rid of Kardinal Offishall's bit, there can't be more than twenty words used altogether. I'm all for succinctness, but that's just taking the piss.

7) Kelly Clarkson- My Life Would Suck Without You
And on the opposite end of the succinct scale....Kelly's gone from defining a sub-genre to making what sounded like Paramore would have done if they werBlogger: The Church Of Practicology - Create Poste twelve years old to, erm, revisiting the sub-genre she defined years after it reached it's peak with Sweet Temptation. In what I assume can only be her subtle revenge against Clive Davis, she sounds totally fucking bored all the way through. And the lyrics sound like they were thrown together in five minutes because they had a reasonable enough backing track to go along with them. I'm not even looking forward to the Almighty club mix, which should tell you something.

6) TI and Justin Timberlake- Dead and Gone
Presumably recorded so that Justin Timberlake could appear in a video being stubbley and moody at the same time. Not Whatever You Like, so not even worth writing about.

5) Taylor Swift- Love Story
Oh Taylor. Not as good as she has been, and she tries to fit too many damn words in that chorus, leaving the last line sounding a little underwhelming when it should be sweeping. At the same time, the way she sings 'go' just before the first chorus, that fucking key change, how she manages to pull off a happy ending in a song without sounding totally smug, the fact that Taylor Swift is in the top five. It's too soon to tell whether she'll have another hit, but it's not beyond the realms of possibility.


4) The Saturdays- Just Can't Get Enough
This is just not good. It's not that's it's a charity record or a cover or that's they're not Girls Aloud (they're not, for the record) but that it's just not good in any shape or form. It's wonderful that Comic Relief brings out people's generosity. It's not so great that it brings out the 'will this do' productions jobs along too.

3) Haha They Are Welsh- Islands In The Stream
Oh, fuck off.

2. Flo Rida- Right Round
What an odd little record. You could tell me that the girl vocal was just Flo Rida autotuned to buggery and I would probably believe you. Maybe that's the point, I don't know. Anyway, it's Akon's appropriation of Europop with any notions of subtlety removed, a big fuck off sample with some words in between the few moments the sample isn't there equals mega bucks, amiright? I don't know if it's a good pop song, but it works, even if it sounds a bit cheaply produced. Although compared to the last two entries, it's practically Song Cycle, innit?


1) Lady GaGa- Pokerface
Another pop song that works and manages to be massive regardless of critical opinion. Kind of like the pop equivalent of a Tyler Perry movie, if Tyler Perry made White Chicks and the White Chicks went to The Met then read Camile Paglia. Without anything interesting happening, obviously. Anyway, that was far too convoluted a tangent, so let me put it this way, it is not tremendously good but the drums and the chorus are big enough to convince you otherwise. She is the new Madonna in the same way that Jade Goody is the new Emily Davison. And on that charming sentiment, I bid you good night.